By the time 3:00a.m.
showed on the clock, I got out of bed. I had not slept up until that point, and
I knew I wasn’t going to. Thoughts, worries, and fears flooded my head and I
could not shut them off. It had been one week since we found this lump, and I
could count on one hand the number of hours of sleep I had gotten in that week.
There I sat, alone with my thoughts, staring aimlessly out the windows into the
dark, early morning. I felt like I had no control over my thoughts. The chatter
going through my messed-up mind that morning was:
“Do I deserve this? Is
God punishing me?”
“No, don’t be dumb, He
doesn’t do that?”
“Or does He?”
“I did get
pregnant at the age of eighteen and I haven’t always been the best wife. I did
experiment with drugs and alcohol in high-school and put my mom and dad
through a lot! I haven’t always been the best mom and friend.”
“Yep. I have not been
a particularly good person. I guess I do deserve this.”
I sat there and cried
while I begged God for forgiveness. “God, I’m sorry! Surround me with
your grace and forgive me! Please!”
I was sitting on the couch holding my Pathology report. I
still didn’t really know exactly what it all meant, but I kept reading it and
re-reading it. I picked up my phone to Google some of the information. I mean,
I needed to know how much time I had to live, because I still believed that I
was not going to make it through this. Then Dr. Hoffman’s voice was in my head,
“Whatever you do, do not go home and look up this information. Wait until you
meet with your Oncologist.” Surprisingly enough, I did not Google anything…that
day.
I wiped my tears and greeted the boys and Wayne as they
woke up. The boys were worried about me. All the crying and lack of sleep is
showing-big time! Logan didn’t say anything, because that’s how he is. He sits
back and observes-he watches. Isaac, however, will ask and say what is on his
mind.
“Are you okay, mom?”,
Isaac asked.
“Yep, I’m okay. I just
didn’t sleep very well last night”, I replied.
“Why aren’t you getting
ready for work?”, he asked in a concerned voice.
“I think I just need a
day to digest this stuff and get my appointments scheduled,” I told him.
Isaac looked at me with
that, ‘I don’t really think you’re okay look’ and asked, “Are you going to be
home alone?”
I replied, “Yes, but I
will be fine. I just need to rest.”
“Okay”, he hesitantly replied
as he kept eating his cereal.
Wayne also was getting
ready for the day. He just started working a new job at the beginning of the
month, and as much as he wanted to be home with me that day, we knew there
would be several other days in the weeks and months ahead that would be more
important and necessary for him to be with me. So, he left to bring the boys to
school and then went to work.
As soon as they walked out the door, I started crying
again. I cried so much that day. I had no idea one human being could cry as
much as I cried. I cried and I waited. I waited for them to call from Piper
Breast Center. Dr. Hoffman’s office put in the referral the day before while we
were at the clinic, and they told me they would call me the following day. Finally,
the phone rang. I answered it and it was the receptionist at Piper Breast
Center. By the time she called me, she had me scheduled with a Surgical
Oncologist, a Medical Oncologist, and for an MRI-all in one day. However, this
was the problem, “I have you scheduled on October 23rd” she said. I’m
running this through my head, “Um, today is the 10th! That’s thirteen
days away! I can’t wait that long! I am going to die!” Without me saying
anything, the receptionist added, “I know that seems terribly far away, but I
assure you that two weeks is not going to make much of a difference.” I finally
responded, “I don’t want to wait that long, but I’ve heard you guys are the best,
so I will be there on the 23rd.” She proceeded to give me all my
doctors’ names and the times of my appointments. She told me that I would be
getting a packet in the mail that the nurse care coordinator, assigned to me,
will be calling and going over with me prior to my appointments on the 23rd.
She asked me if I had any questions. I didn’t even know which way up at this
point. So, to even be able to think clearly enough to formulate a question
would’ve been tough. I responded, “No, not right now. Thank you for calling.”
She replied, “Absolutely, take care.” And we hung up.
“Take care? How in the hell am I supposed to take care?”
I thought to myself, that’s what I was doing. I was taking care of
myself-eating healthy (most of the time) drinking water, and exercising-and here I am…with
cancer. I cried and cried and cried some more. I had no idea how I was going to
make it thirteen days until my appointment. I wanted this cancer out of me
yesterday. But now, I have to wait. And once again, the negative thoughts
flooded my head. “I guess this is what I get. Not only is He paying me back, He’s
making me wait.” Meanwhile, I was beginning to experience continued symptoms of
stress. I couldn’t eat. I had diarrhea. I was vomiting. This continued for
several days.
---------------------------------
I saw 3:00 a.m. on the clock again. I hadn’t slept much.
I thought to myself, “This is really going to suck if I am going to start
waking up at 3am every day.” I got out of bed and went out to the family room.
I once again sat on the couch and stared out into the dark, early morning. I
eventually got up and put on my workout clothes. Today, my super trainer made
two different comments that hit me hard that morning, “You can do hard things”
and “You are stronger than you think you are.” I have been telling all of you
that for a couple years through my Facebook posts-now, I need to believe it
myself-but I just didn’t know if I could.
I got ready for the day and went to work. I learned
really fast that although it seemed as if my life stopped, everyone else’s just
kept on going-and I needed to try and do the same. I got to work and sat
through our change-of-shift report. Then, I told my co-workers who were working
that day; “I want you all to hear it from me. On Wednesday I was diagnosed with
breast cancer. I know that it is aggressive and that I will be going through
chemo and surgery. That’s all I know. I have appointments scheduled for the 23rd
and I will know more after that.”
I
received some pink roses from my boss and co-worker with a card that read, “Kick
Cancer’s Ass!” I remember thinking, “What if I let everyone down? What if I can’t
kick this damn thing’s ass like everyone is going to expect me to?” I tried to
continue on with my day as best I could. It was tough. As the day went on, I
began getting more and more angry about my situation. Then, I text Wayne and I
asked him if he thought I should put a post on Facebook about this. He responded
with, “I don’t know. Maybe you should wait. Well, you can do what you think you
are ready for.” And so, I made this post:
My phone rang and I saw “Family Practice” on my phone screen...
...my heart started to race. {this is the call I’ve been waiting for}...then,
on the other line,
“Hi, Angie. This is _____ from Family Practice. Dr. _______ has your biopsy
results, and he would like to see you in his office to go over them with you.”
My heart sank. I dropped down to my chair in my office. Tears filled my eyes
and I let out a wail...
Ladies-I’ve talked a lot about boobs in the last week, so, I’m just gonna tell you, let your husband feel them...mine felt a lump. Then I felt it, and we both knew it wasn’t good...6 days later, I’m diagnosed with breast cancer...
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared and mad AF right now. But, I’m also holding onto hope and praying HARD that we will get a plan in place with some amazing doctors and surgeons and get this shit taken care of!
Please pray HARD with me. For me. For Wayne. For the boys. For peace. For the doctors. For the surgeons. For the nurses...and anyone else that is going to be part of this journey with me!
It’s crazy how quickly life changes. How priorities change. How your perspective changes. Life absolutely can NOT be taken for granted. If you aren’t actually LIVIN life right now, and trying each day to be the best version of you-you better start today...because we have no idea what tomorrow brings
#fightlikeagirl #cancersucks
And
there it was. It was out there for the whole world to know. I started receiving
messages, texts, and calls. As my work-day came to an end, I got more and more
upset. Angry. Pissed. I held it together until I got to my car. I sat down in
my car and started crying. Hard. I continued to cry as I drove home.
I got about half-way home and started pounding on my steering wheel as I yelled at God. “Why
God?! Why did you do this to me?! How could you let this happen to me?!” At
that very moment, my phone rang. I looked down and saw, “Corinne” on my screen.
I picked it up and answered, “Hello?”
She responded, “Hi dear, I just heard, and I
am so, so sorry. How are you doing?”
“Actually,” I said, “Right now, I’m really
pissed. I'm so mad.”
“And you have every right to be,” she replied.
We continued to talk, only for about five minutes.
She listened to me as I vented and questioned my faith in that moment. She reminded
me that it was okay and that I needed to feel all my feelings. By the end of
that conversation, I was not crying anymore. I even laughed a bit, and I felt
content in that moment. I hung up the phone, looked up into the sky and did a
little half-laugh as I said out loud, “Good one! I hear you loud and clear,
God!”
I'm so sorry Angie and I hope you are feeling a little better. This is an emotional story you posted. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteLaila
www.lailanblog.blogspot.co.uk