It’s easy to be mad at God. We need to place the blame somewhere, right? Why does a young, healthy person get cancer? He puts it there, right? Just so we are clear, I am a Christian. I grew up as a PK (Preacher’s Kid). I went to church and sat in the front row every Sunday. I don’t actually deserve this, right? But then that little thing that just happened, happens. It had to be a coincidence. Maybe? I don’t know, I was still skeptical and a little mad at the Big Guy upstairs.
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I got home and sat down on the couch to relax a little bit before going to Isaac’s football game. I pulled up Facebook and looked at my post I made earlier that day…297 comments! What? To say I was overwhelmed is an understatement and in that moment, I thought, “What the hell did I just do? Why did I tell the whole world? Shit. I shouldn’t have done that.” Then, with tears continuously rolling down my face, and even some crying out loud, I started to read those comments:
“Time to fight girl! You’ve got this…and if you fall WE WILL help you!”
“FIGHT HARD!”
“I know Dylan had to have gotten his toughness and never give up attitude from you-you got this!”
“You are an incredibly strong woman, but this is going to be a long journey. In the moments that you cannot be strong, let the people around you be strong.”
“…you are a warrior, a fighter, and there is no doubt in my mind that you’re going to get through this.”
“YOU are one of the fiercest gals I know…a fighter to the core.”
“You are one of the toughest ladies I know…God has his plan for you.”
“I have met a lot of strong women in my life, but you are at the TOP of that list. You are fierce.”
“God has certainly given you the spirit of tenacity-I can see we all admire you for that.”
“If anyone can do this…it’s you Angie!”
“You have a rare strength and positivity that will get you through this.”
Every single one of those 297 comments said they would pray for me. So, my first thought was, “Even if a fourth of these people pray for me like they say they are going to, I should be okay…right?” And then my next thought was, “Wow…that’s what people think of me? But what if I let them down? What if I can’t live up to those ‘fierce’, ‘tough’, ‘warrior’ titles? What if I don’t fight hard? What if I give up? Then what? Will they still pray for me if I’m weak?” I know. I can look back now and hear how ridiculous that sounds. But, when I was living through those days, I could not control that head chatter. It was real and it was awful. Along with the comments on Facebook, I had many, many more text messages, calls, and messages via messenger. One, specifically, hit me hard. It was from my dear, long-time friend Alison. She sent me a video message. She talked to me about specific prayer and to “call those things out…We all think of the grand journey, but you will be in the midst of it each and every day…whatever you need to pray away, let us know…I would be honored to come to the throne along side of you and on your behalf. Gosh, you’re just a fireball and I have always admired you for that. I love ya, and I’m with ya.” As she ended that message, her eyes were full of tears and I could see that she hurt right along with me. I knew I wasn’t going to traveling this journey alone.
It was parent’s night at football that night-and it was freezing, by the way (‘feels like 20 degrees’). I tried to pull myself together the best I could, but I knew it was going to be a tough night because now people knew-and I was going to see those people in real life. I got to the game and people hugged me, they asked questions, they were in disbelief, “You are the last person I would expect to get cancer.” I felt the same way and it was very clear to me, and others, that cancer has no boundaries. As I was cheering on our Saints and walking the side-lines, I saw a couple people reach across the side-line rope to give Wayne a hug (he’s a Junior High football coach, and therefore, on the sidelines during the Varsity games). I was so thankful for that. Up to that point, Wayne had been pretty quiet. He was struggling and he was hurting-but I couldn’t help him because I was too engulfed with my own terrifying thoughts. Therefore, we both needed the hugs, the handshakes, the comments, the texts, the calls etc.
That night, for the first time since October 3rd (it was the 11th), I slept. I crashed hard. We were up early the next morning to drive to Grand Forks to watch the USF football game and stay with college friends. The first part of the drive, I continued to read messages that I was getting. Some were positive stories of people they knew were 5, 8, 10-year breast cancer survivors. Then, there was one story that I struggled with because the individual they were telling me about lost her battle to cancer. I turned to Wayne and I started yelling, “Why are people telling me this?” It affected me. I struggled with that story for quite some time. I couldn’t understand why that individual thought that story would be helpful to me. And then, I fell asleep. I slept the entire way to Grand Forks. We got to the game and I could barely keep my eyes open. Our friends came and I could hardly greet them. I fell asleep on and off throughout the game. My body was completely-physically and emotionally-exhausted. When the game ended, we went down onto the field to see Dylan. He walked right up to me and gave me a hug-a big hug and held on extra-long. This was the first time he had seen me since we had to call him two days ago on his birthday to tell him his mom has cancer. We went to pick up my niece, because she attends college in Grand Forks, and went out to eat with her and our friends from college. When we got out of the truck at the restaurant, Mallory gave me a big hug and said, “I can’t believe this. I’ve been thinking about you so much.” We went in and ate. I was quiet. I remember feeling like life was happening in slow motion and I couldn’t keep up. Supper ended, and we went back to our friends’ place. I tried really hard to engage in conversation, but I couldn’t. I fell asleep in the chair in the living room, and eventually went downstairs to bed. Again, I slept hard.
The next day, we made the trip back home and I slept the whole way. Later that day, my mom and Grandma came out to see me. We talked. We cried. And then, before they left, my Grandma asked if she could pray for me. She grabbed my hand and prayed a beautiful prayer. We said our “good-byes” and I sat there and thought to myself, “Wow, I have no idea how to pray.” Is that even a thing? Remember, I grew up as a PK. How don’t I know how to pray? I realized my “prayers” were really just a desperate plea up to this point. I then began asking God to give me what I will need to make it through this journey-the strength, the support, the doctors, the tolerance for the treatment etc.
The next couple days were good. I was able to continue with my workouts. There was a calmness that came over me. I went back to not sleeping-but I wasn’t quite as full of fear like I had been. I continued to get texts and messages of people wishing me luck in my battle, “You have an army behind you”, and telling me that I am the “strongest person” they know. Again-feelings of being overwhelmed, yet, grateful consumed me. Two people sent me the following message, and this became my profile picture:
I was still unsure if I could do this, but you all were helping me believe that I could. That word “fierce” became a common word that was used to describe me. At first, I didn’t really know if I liked it, and “Was it a good thing or not?” It made me think about my personality test I took at work. All employees took this test and we wear a sticker of our “animal” on our name-tag to help us better work with each other. Guess what my animal or “personality” is? A Lion. When we first completed this personality test, I wasn’t sure how I felt about being in this category. But, a lion has “fierce” written all over it. So, I went back and read through what it means to be a lion:
“Confident” and “Aggressive”
“Task-Focused”
“Gets results”
“Persistent”
“Competitive”
“Motivated by challenge and results”
“Greatest Needs: New challenges”
“Greatest Desires: Difficult Assignments”
Okay, so people are making all these powerful statements about me, and now, my “personality” is matching what they are saying. Instead of becoming more and more sure of myself, I was becoming more filled with doubt. Some weaknesses of a lion are: “impatient”, “fears inactivity”, and “quickly bored”-and that’s what I knew I would struggle the most with-not getting quick enough results which would cause me to lose hope and stop fighting. And then this happened…Wayne got a text from the head football coach (It was Wednesday night of MEA, which meant, it was Football night), “Can you and Angie come back by the locker room so I can chat with you 2 and your son?” Our first reaction was, “What the hell did Isaac do now?” We got dressed as quick as we could and took off to Belgrade. We hardly spoke to each other on the way to the game. My mind was racing. “He must not be playing tonight. What could’ve he possibly done?” We pulled up to the school and parked. We saw all the football coaches standing inside the doors. “Ah shit, we thought.” When we walked in, everyone stood there in silence. Then, Coach Fernholz said, “Isaac’s fine by the way. But, with everything that you have been through these past couple of weeks, I want to ask your permission if it’s okay to have the guys wear these on their helmets?” And he pulled out a roll of stickers that had my initials on them with a Breast Cancer Awareness ribbon on it. Honestly, my first reaction was, “Oh my Gosh! I thought Isaac was in so much trouble!” He started laughing…and then tears filled my eyes as I gave him a hug. Wayne replied, “We would be honored…thank you.” Coach asked if we wanted to come with them into the gym as he spoke with the team and shared the stickers with them. The players filled the gym and Coach Fernholzs’ speech caused many eyes to fill with tears. His main message to the team was that, like football, life always has its ups and downs and we can never stop battling. He asked the team to wear the stickers to support Isaac, and to support our family. They all agreed and we stood there and watched a gym full of 9th-12th grade boys-quietly and emotionally-put those stickers on their helmets.
Remember when I was asking myself “What in the hell did I just do?” by announcing that I had cancer on Facebook? This. This is what I did. I was letting myself be vulnerable and by doing so, my prayers were being answered. And, although I still had doubts, you all slowly helped the lion inside of me find and believe in the “fierce” fighter I needed to be--and I quickly realized that I had a damn strong ARMY coming to fight this battle with me.
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